The Struggle Between My Wants and His Will

Eight years into our marriage, my husband felt the call to the ministry. I'd witnessed him growing in the faith and his desire to spread the gospel, and knew some manner of ministry was in our future, but I never guessed he would be a pastor. My first response was, "I can't be a pastor's wife. I wear blue eyeliner and red sneakers." (I was young back then.)

He was so happy after submitting to the call, he just grinned and told me I would do fine.

Who, Me?

A couple of decades later, I can assure you he was wrong. I've given up the blue eyeliner and red sneakers (praise God!) However, I'm too much of a Christian layperson to even try to affect the image of the smooth, superwoman that is the American Pastor's Wife. Part of my problem is that, while I recognize what an honor it is to serve the Lord and I've grown tremendously over the years in that role, I had my own dreams and desires, not to mention an insatiable case of outdoor-Carolina wanderlust, all of which took precedent over my husband's ministry.

In case you weren't aware, placing one's desires over the Lord's will doesn't go over well with God. I can't speak for Him, but I've imagined that's the reason I went from gaining traction with one particular effort, winning a few awards as I worked toward my goal, to falling flat when I stepped out to pursue it as a career. And part of the reason why, out of all the wonderful places the Creator could have placed us in His Carolina creations, He plopped us in the middle of farmland, just out of reasonable driving distance from the outdoor destinations I love.

My wants would have taken us elsewhere, but I recognize the Lord's ways are higher than mine. We love the people in our congregation and I've seen them grow in faith under my husband's dedicated pastoral care. I understand this is where God wants him to be. But God's will often has dual and multi-purposes. In this case, it seems he's training me as he "feeds" his people. Even as the fallen nature in me struggles against that, I recognize it shows, as does the creation I long to spend time in, how good a God we have.

I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable in this role, but I have found myself rising to the occasion when the occasion warrants it. God is aware of my deficiencies in this area. However, I know and trust He is more than able to work my weakness for His good will.